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Relationship acts
like a mirror reflecting our lives back to
us. We experience both our joys and our
fears. Relationship also provides us an
opportunity to develop as an individual in
ways we might not without our partner. As
social animals we desire closeness,
understanding and nurturance. Inevitably,
however, our partner disappoints us and it
can feel like he or she is withholding
what we need. We want her or him to "fill
us up", so to speak.
What if you could
fill-up yourself? This would mean you
could nurture yourself when your
relationship feels stressful. I teach
couples about differentiation, the ability
to stay with yourself ('hold onto
yourself') within the shifting tensions of
your relationship. At its foundation,
differentiation is about taking
responsibility for who you are and for how
you feel. It also means learning how to
soothe your own feelings. Differentiation
includes cultivating awareness about
yourself as deeply as you can. In other
words, differentiation is about
understanding and being honest with
yourself about you in addition to
understanding your partner. It certainly
isn't about changing your partner. People
move towards change when they decide the
change is important.
It takes courage
to be present in relationship. Being
present means we relate with the pleasure
and the pain in our relationships.
We cultivate intimacy with ourselves. This
requires us to be honest with ourselves
about our fears, intentions and desires.
And then we can decide what we share with
our partner and take responsibility for
the consequences of that decision. This is
difficult when the desired outcome doesn't
happen.
One researcher
claims that in successful marriages
approximately 69% of disagreements are
never resolved. That's in successful
marriages! When we are able to
differentiate from our partner we can own
and soothe our own hurt feelings,
frustrations and fears when there's
disagreement. Expecting your partner to
soothe you during rough spots usually
brings more frustration. Soothing yourself
includes risking being yourself and being
o.k. with risking. It also means
cultivating self-compassion.
And, when we can compassionately soothe
ourselves we also cultivate compassion for
our partner.
For more
information on couples and marriage
counseling please call me with any
questions you have at
503-252-3739.
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