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Douglas Johns, LCSW Portland, Oregon (503)252-3739

CompassionateWay.com

Couples - Marital - Marriage - Relationship Counseling

 

Relationship acts like a mirror reflecting our lives back to us. We experience both our joys and our fears. Relationship also provides us an opportunity to develop as an individual in ways we might not without our partner. As social animals we desire closeness, understanding and nurturance. Inevitably, however, our partner disappoints us and it can feel like he or she is withholding what we need. We want her or him to "fill us up", so to speak.

What if you could fill-up yourself? This would mean you could nurture yourself when your relationship feels stressful. I teach couples about differentiation, the ability to stay with yourself ('hold onto yourself') within the shifting tensions of your relationship. At its foundation, differentiation is about taking responsibility for who you are and for how you feel. It also means learning how to soothe your own feelings. Differentiation includes cultivating awareness about yourself as deeply as you can. In other words, differentiation is about understanding and being honest with yourself about you in addition to understanding your partner. It certainly isn't about changing your partner. People move towards change when they decide the change is important.

It takes courage to be present in relationship. Being present means we relate with the pleasure and the pain in our relationships. We cultivate intimacy with ourselves. This requires us to be honest with ourselves about our fears, intentions and desires. And then we can decide what we share with our partner and take responsibility for the consequences of that decision. This is difficult when the desired outcome doesn't happen.

One researcher claims that in successful marriages approximately 69% of disagreements are never resolved. That's in successful marriages! When we are able to differentiate from our partner we can own and soothe our own hurt feelings, frustrations and fears when there's disagreement. Expecting your partner to soothe you during rough spots usually brings more frustration. Soothing yourself includes risking being yourself and being o.k. with risking. It also means cultivating self-compassion. And, when we can compassionately soothe ourselves we also cultivate compassion for our partner.

For more information on couples and marriage counseling please call me with any questions you have at 503-252-3739.

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Douglas Johns, L.C.S.W. - 1235 S.E. Division Street, Suite 201B Portland, Oregon 97202 - Couples - Marital - Marriage - Relationship Counseling

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